Diary of a Male Feminist

Dear Diary,

I've been meaning to write to you about feminism for quite sometime, and I've finally decided to do it, while also telling you what I think is the single biggest threat that men face. (To skip directly to this part, Ctrl+F "Anyway, the point of this post" and start reading from the paragraph that starts as such)

As you may have known, I used to hate feminists. I used to hate feminism, and I thought of it as a stupid movement that was completely unnecessary, taken too far and used as an excuse for man-hating and for women to assert dominance and play the victim card. Then, I grew up. And I learnt.

For quite a few years now, I've been calling myself a feminist, and I believe every sensible, sane person must do the same. This is because I've come to realize that feminism, in its truest sense, is simply about equality. It's not a movement that's gender exclusive. Does it focus majorly on one gender? Yes, but that's because they're the ones who have been systematically oppressed through the ages and achieving equality hence obviously involves empowering them to the point of equality. So yes, it is focused on one gender, and with sufficient cause. But that does not mean that the movement is exclusive to a single gender.

There seems to be this huge wave of people, clamoring about the problems that men face, and how "the media" and "the feminists" don't talk about these issues. This strikes me as particularly odd, because I honestly think that feminism is the answer to the problems that men face.

Male victims of domestic abuse are laughed at because of the fact that it's considered humiliating and unmanly for a man to be beaten up by a woman. And why is that? Because of the mindset men are supposed to be stronger and women, weaker. If we were all feminists and acknowledged that we're all equal, maybe this wouldn't be the case.

Male victims of rape are ignored (even more so if the alleged rapist is a woman) because "if he didn't want it, he could have fought it". Because it's inherently easy for men to fight off  women, and because there cannot be any case where a woman forces a man into something against his will? And why? Because women are supposed to be the weaker sex?

Im a law student in India, and yes, there are multiple laws in our country that are seemingly "pro-women" and, some would argue, "anti-men". The law that is almost immediately mentioned is our law on adultery. In India, women cant be charged with adultery. Only men can. And this is used as an example to claim that are legal system is biased against men.

Frankly, a closer reading of the section would also tell you that women cant file a case against her adulterous husband. The only person who has the right to complain of adultery is the man, and he can do so only against the man who had sex with his wife, without his consent. Yep, The offence is made out only if a man has sex with another man's wife without the consent of that woman's husband. And the aggrieved party is the husband, whose consent was not obtained.

So the reason the law exists in the way that it does is simply because it considers women as chattels- properties of their husbands,

There are also multiple people screaming their throats out saying "Feminists dont support gender-neutral laws, but they want privileges for women"

There are 2 problems with that. Firstly, the definition of feminism is "a movement for the social, political, economic and cultural equality of all genders". It is in no way a movement for privileges. In fact, it seeks to remove existing social privileges that a particular gender has enjoyed for ages.

Secondly, there are feminists who say "Gender equal laws, only in a gender equal society", and I used to find that absurd back when I was an anti-feminist, but think about it. The society is skewed towards one gender, and the only way the legal system can correct that, is by providing legal advantages to the oppressed.

I completely agree that these laws are being misused by many women. Im also aware of Section 498A (The Anti-Dowry Harassment section in the Indian Penal Code), the dismally low conviction rates, and how that section has been used by many women as a tool to harass, abuse and intimidate their husbands and their families. I think it's absolutely unfair how 498A is being misused, but we must all ask two questions- One, does the abuse of a law mean that the law is a bad law and unnecessary and secondly, Is a bad law representative of a bad movement?

I believe 498 A is grossly wide in its ambit and has an inherent scope of abuse due to the way the Section is drafted, and I believe that that Section must either be amended or scrapped. And I believe that because Im a feminist. Because I believe men and women are equal, and men and their families, must be given ample opportunity to make their case heard.

Anyway, the point of this post was not to discuss all this. It's about something that happened very recently. Something that's very disturbing.

A stand up comedian recently posted a video of him performing, where he sarcastically rips apart "the men have problems too" argument by talking about the burden of male privilege, and burden of having to live with the fact that men earn more than women for the same work.

There was a comment on this thread that called wage gap a myth and attacked the comedian for being an "ignorant feminist". And since it was a comment on a stand up comic's page, I responded to the comment saying "Good opener! Could you post the rest of your act, please?", and all hell broke loose.

As of now, Ive been called an idiot by the guy who made the original comment. Another man came out of nowhere and asked me to "go read a book". One man called me a "mangina" and said that my face was the rest of the act. Now, I had no idea what mangina meant, so thankfully, there was this another guy who called me a mangina and gave me a definition for it.

Apparently, I sub-consciously hate myself, think men are uncontrollable freaks, and that women are superior. I also think that I need to get in touch with my "feminine" side as I've been brought up taught to hate masculinity. Apparently, Im only "putting on a feminist act" in a vain attempt to get laid and to look good in front of women. And I kid you not, Im a "betrayer of men".

While it's a very interesting concept to think of, it isn't really an accurate description of myself.

I was born in a male body, and I identify as a male. Im a heterosexual and I enjoy sports and action movies, so I guess I fit into their shallow definition of being a male (though I completely disagree with it, but that's for another day).

I do not hate myself. I live an extremely happy life. I do not believe anyone is superior/inferior because of the body they were born in, the gender they identify with, or who they're sexually attracted to (or not). I do not hate masculine or feminine traits and I think everyone must be free to express those traits in them, irrespective of the parts they were born with. My feminism is not to look good in front of girls, or to get laid. My self esteem isn't depressingly low to the level that I judge myself on my ability to impress others, nor do I look at women as sexual objects nor am I so frustrated that my biggest aim in life is to get some action. And unless the objective of men is to preserve their social privilege, and consciously or sub-consciously continue the oppression of women, I'm in no way betraying mankind.

My feminism is not an act. It is what I believe in. Any one who believes that men and women deserve equal rights and respect is a feminist. If you believe women are superior, you aren't a feminist. If you think women shouldn't be granted equal rights, you aren't a feminist (you're an asshole).

It's incredibly ridiculous how the very word feminism gets so many men agitated and angry. It's also hilarious what they blame feminism for. Another man actually said that 70% of men in the west are hesitant to get married because "women are going in the wrong path in the name of freedom" and that "the west is suffering from feminism" and that civilizations are ending because people identify as feminists.

How do I even respond to such ignorance?

The saddest part of all this is I know exactly how these people are going to respond to this. "Women aren't really oppressed" is definitely going to be the implication of many of the responses, along with multiple insults, most likely talking about how Im a lesser man. There is also going to be references to "New Age Feminism" or "Third World Feminism" or whatever they call movements that aren't really feminist movements, in an attempt to malign the movement that gave their mothers and sisters, and millions of individuals the right to go to school, the right to vote, the right to work, and the right to have opinions.

But there is one thing I agree with them on. There is a serious problem that men face. Something that I believe is being ignored and requires immediate attention: Some men are unable to express their opinions and views without being bullied and insulted by other men for having such views.

I view this as a bigger problem than any so called threat that feminism poses, as this directly attacks the cornerstone of any civilized society: the ability of a person to peacefully be himself/herself, and that is what I think requires immediate attention.

Sincerely,
Vikas Muralidharan,
Feminist.

A letter to my best friends

Dear Best Friends,

Firstly, I apologize for this bullshit cliche. These "letter to best friend" things have been going on for too long now, but I promise this one is different.

This isn't to one person, Its to two- Two people who've absolutely changed the way I am, who did this in ways so unique and different, that I've challenged myself to write a single letter to the both of you, in a way that it means something to you both.

A lot of people dismiss the idea of having "two best friends". "They cant mean exactly the same to you" some say. Some tell me that the one I knew earlier is bound to be closer to me. Some ask me who I met later and suggest that the other friend  was getting replaced. If only they knew.

You came to me in a place very unfamiliar to me. I was not a person who hadn't tasted success, or a socially awkward introvert when I met you, but I was definitely questioning myself. And there, in the distance, I saw you.

I must confess, I didn't plan for this to happen. I wasn't planning on getting so close, and during my first interaction with you, I never expected you'd mean so much to me. I wasn't the one who came up and spoke to you. I had to be prodded into this, but you know what? Thank you for taking those first steps.

This relationship we share would probably have not happened if it wasn't for you. As I sit back and think about our friendship, I can only question how this happened. I dont remember putting too much effort into this and that is what surprises me. Did you hold my hand and guide me through this? Or are you as surprised by how this has progressed? Do you, like myself, question whether you deserve this friendship?


I remember you telling me that you don't think you've done much for me, and that makes me slightly angry.

Some of my most emotional moments, I've shared with you. There are things that I've done, that I wouldn't have dreamed of doing, only because of you- not because you asked me to, or because you did these things but because fundamentally, you made me introspect.

You showed me what it meant to love, and what heartbreak felt like. You showed me your dreams and nightmares; your likes and dislikes, what you loved and what you hated. You shared with me little stories of things that made you happy, things that made you sad; things that made you angry and things that made you cry. You told me about your other friends, people you liked, people you were jealous of and people you hated, With every story you told me, and every word you spoke, you showed me a little of yourself, and every time you did that, I found a part of me that I didn't know existed.

Everything Ive had to say individually to you, I've probably said it in the dozens of long emo messages that Ive sent you on private chat, and this is something I wanted to get to.

Because you did what you did, I found a wonderful outlet to be myself. Not just a politically charged perennially bitter social analyst or something but an actual human being. With you, I could finally be myself. I could talk about those little things that would seem incredibly insignificant to anyone but me. And you would always get it. You'd understand and make it incredibly easy for me, and that is why you know me better than anyone else. My dreams, my fears, my insecurities, you know them all, and some of them, I didnt even have to tell you.

We're incredibly different people, and I understand that as well as you do. We dont always have the same tastes. We don't react to situations the same way, and we may even have polar opposite views or opinions on a few things. Views that we may not just disagree with, but dislike. There are certain things that we say that might have offended each other purely because of the way we said it. And hence, our relationship isnt one based on "Oh look, we like the exact same things". Sure, there are similarities, but thats not the reason we're close. You don't appeal to me because you're like me, but because you make it ridiculously easy for me to be different.

And that is why I love you.

Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for letting me be your friend,

I could end this asking you to stay with me forever, but after every thing you've done, it seems unfair of me to ask for more, so I'll end this with a promise.

I cannot promise that I'll stay in touch forever, I really wish we could talk to each other every day for the rest of our lives, but life is bound to take us in different paths, and different ways and leave us with little time for each other, I cannot promise a phone call or a text every day, or a meet up every few months. I know that all of that is easier said than done.

But what I can promise you is this: I'm never letting you go. We could go months, even years without talking, but the second you need a friend, Ill be right beside you. The only way you'll "lose me" is if you shut me from your life, and let's not kid ourselves: that isn't happening.

Thank you for making me find myself once again. You have no idea what you mean to me, and when I say I love you, I really do mean it.